I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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