I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
