In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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