God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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