They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
