Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.