So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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