She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
