Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
