bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
