he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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