Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
