I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
