Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
