know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
