If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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