Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
