whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
