I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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