I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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