ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
