He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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