Plan B is the new Plan A
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This toilet bowl is my home.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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