I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
