i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
