I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
