I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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