this beer tastes like vomit already
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning