I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess