so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again