Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
