I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
