he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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