i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
