3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
