i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
