I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
