matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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