billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
