Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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