im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
