Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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