you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
