I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
