Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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