i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
