Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
