Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
