youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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