got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
