if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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