Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
