He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
