I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
