New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
