How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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