She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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