I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
