I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
