i dedicated my morning wood to you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
