new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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