Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
