got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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