11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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