R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
