oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
